Things have been rough around here lately. Really, really rough.
Olivia’s sensory processing has been completely out of whack. It’s contributed to rages and violent behaviors. Both Sunday night and last evening, she had to be physically restrained to be kept safe. We’ve had to do this before and I’m sure we will again, but I just HATE it. I HATE feeling so completely helpless that all I (we) can do is restrain her until she is calm enough to be safe. It stabs at all my vulnerabilities and makes me feel like the most god-awful parent on the planet. It makes me afraid: What if there’s more to this than just the sensory stuff? Is this something genetic? Environmental? How can such a small child hold such anger? From where does it stem? What did we do/not do to get here? How can we find the answers we need? How can we help? What if we can’t?
And Owen. He is a typical five-year-old. Full of big emotions. Not a lot of skill in giving them words. Plus, we’ve also been seeing some of Olivia’s behaviors in him. Is it our parenting since it’s both kids behaving this way? Is he mimicking Olivia because he sees that it gets attention (we give it as little verbal attention as we can in the throes of a rage, but it still requires physical attention)?
And Dawn and I. Things are not the greatest between us at the moment. Well, actually, it’s been slowly improving but it’s still got a long way to go. The absolute insanity and stress that sums up the last school year took a toll that we are still trying to stop reeling from. We’ve both gotten into patterns that aren’t healthy for our relationship or ourselves. Communication signals just seem to miss. Pulling inside ourselves instead of reaching out to each other. The kid’s behaviors don’t help…and our own don’t either. It’s a bit of the chicken and the egg question. And it’s a vicious cycle that keeps feeding off of itself…
I feel like I’m standing on a cliff ledge…the trail back up looks steep. The trail down looks worse. And I’m just here clinging to the edge and hoping it doesn’t crumble before I can get my footing.